According to spiritual wisdom [quoted from Kyrona.com]:
On the 21/22nd February 2015 – there is a potent & divinely timed CLOSE MEETING of the planets Mars & Venus in the Sign of Aries (during this dance, they will be the closest together they have been in our skies during the last 7 years)...this alignment is also occurring conjunct the New Moon in Aries (heralding Chinese New Year)...This alignment represents the sacred union between the Divine Feminine (Venus) and the Sacred Masculine (Mars).
Do not be surprised during the days before & after this event, to find yourself becoming very clear about:
- all the ways you give your power away
- OR you hold power inappropriately over others
- all the ways you are not fully owning your own unique personal super-powers
Having just come out of two of the most stressful "end of marriage" days, the alignment forced me to look at what the timing of this celestial event meant for my current situation. The fact that all of this is happening in Aries, Dennis' astrological sign, made me realize that the Universe has a plan and is forcefully directing us to fulfill that plan for our lives. I have no doubt that this will be the single most unstable time in my life. Never before have I felt so scared and vulnerable about all of the unknowns. I have a great deal of mourning ahead of me. Things you take for granted and forget after 25 years, the small things, the "we" moments, the "us" times and the love that makes a family unit. For me it's as little as his childhood mementos and mine that are co-mingled in one box. All that has to be split up. His and mine vs. ours.
But last night I began to realize that I've always visualized myself alone, out of this marriage, with the knowledge it would eventually "time out". That doesn't mean I consciously decided that I would one day see my family split apart. Instead it meant that when I think of my true, best self, I visualize it without a partner. More specifically without Dennis as my partner.
I've always known I had a spiritual journey that I would one day embark upon. I didn't know what it looked like or felt like, but I knew it was in my future. Do I think this is it? In all likelihood, yes.
In one way that makes me sad. An ending. The finality of it. Worry. Anger. Fear. Sadness. On the other hand I see it as a beginning, one where I finally stand and become a woman free of a man. Not in a negative way, in the way that the male/female relationship is a vessel for learning. My vessel is now full. Some journeys are meant to be taken alone, without the confines of an earthly partner relationship. I truly believe that.
I can visualize myself getting through the pain and emerging on the other side with the knowledge that this is the right thing. We have had a good go of it. Not many couples make it to ten years, let alone 18 married and 26 together. I can now fully embrace that I won't have that anymore. I'm under no misconception that being alone won't be lonely. In fact I understand that insecurities are already rising to the surface. I now see my perceptions of people changing. I see myself labeling people, categorizing them: 1) divorced and happy; 2) divorced and unhappy; 3) divorced and clueless. Then there's married, married, married. Getting married, being married and couples. For 17 years of my life I was a me. For the following 26 I've been a we. So more than half my life I haven't seen me. Part of that reason is that now I am also a we with the three human beings I brought into the world.
A huge portion of getting divorced is everyone finding out. Your childrens' schoolmates' parents, community members, acquaintances, school employees, teachers, relatives, clients, etc. All of a sudden my private life is feeling very public. I would like to keep it as private as possible, knowing that eventually it won't matter. People will talk. And I have no desire to be the woman that talks about her breakup incessantly. I have a friend who did that and people started to walk the other way when they saw her. My goal is to handle my split with as much grace as possible.
For now, I can breathe again. I feel pressure lifting and the darkness getting a bit brighter. So many times it takes people so long to make a decision, they don't realize how miserable they've been. Unhappy. Depressed. Numb. I've been all those things the past two years while also seeing great professional success both at work and with Girl Scouts. I've spent the last four years building relationships so that I could plan for the future. This is where I've been putting my energy. I want to put my energy into: 1) my blog and Girl Scout duties; 2) my children; and 3) cultivating my spiritual self through Buddhism and self-work and 4) writing. There is no room in there to rebuild a marriage that is broken. On every level. But is broken the right word? Maybe accomplished or resolved are better words. We've reached the end of our journey as a couple. Or satisfied or achieved. We achieved 26 years together. We resolved our spiritual journey with each other in this life. We resolved the karma that bonded us together in this life.
Our life will always be bound together in our children. I have no doubt we will always be friends. That is my hope. For now I refuse to see our marriage as broken. I'd rather look at it as achieved.
Me
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