Day 20! Yippeee! Yay! Whooo hooo! That's what I expected Day 20 to feel like. Instead it feels like all my skin is gone. I am raw and emotional. I'm struggling to figure out me without the numbing. Translation: Without hiding in the sweet grapey goodness of my Chardonnay, I'm having a lot of...uh...feelings? I don't mean, gosh I feel good in the morning or I'm so proud of myself or this feels like such a milestone. I mean, painful realizations about my life that I've kind of put away for the past two years or...ten. All of that, all at once came bubbling to the surface. I burst into tears at the smallest of things--like freakin' pregnancy only with no baby to blame it on--such as my garage being messy (ever seen hoarders?) or the kids spilling cereal on the floor. I went on my 10 mile bike ride today and started bawling while listening to the song Jar of Hearts on my iPod. Sheesh, I was embrassed! Pedaling my bike down the street with tears streaming down my face! I tried to do the whole, just let the tears come {Freudian voice} be in the moment, but instead it just pissed me off. Then I spent the rest of my 10 miles angry at everyone for everything from the last 20+ years of my life.
So I ask, what is this crap!? That's when the little voice in my head whispers, "This is your crap! It's coming out of your pores, out of your eyes and out of that deep pit where you've been sticking things you don't want to deal with..." I feel like one of those people who wakes up in a bathtub missing a kidney. Where am I and what's this incision? I tried to write this post like a dozen times and each time I would list all the lovely things that I've realized over the past 20 days. But inside (that little voice again) I was really screaming "Bullshit! You know it's bullshit!"
So I made the decision to just be real. Not be a sunshiney version of sobriety and contentment, but instead try to see the glass as half full.
10 Reasons Why Day 20 Didn't Suck
1.) I no longer wake up wishing I was strong enough to change. Every day is one day behind me I wake up not feeling that way.
2.) I'm nicer. Just a little but every bit counts.
3.) The weight is coming off. A huge part of this journey to kick the daily vino habit is to trim down. I had been exercising for awhile and seeing results, but not results that matched how hard I was working. Now I finally have momentum and I'm seeing a huge change in how my clothes fit.
4.) I'm drinking more water. Now this is a bi-product of not sipping on wine for a couple of hours per evening but it's also to satisfy my oral fixation. I drink Seltzer, pineapple juice spritzers and tea too. Nothing tastes as good as wine though. For reals.
5.) I like my husband more. How sad is that to say...but I feel like he's not on my nerves every minute of the day. Now he only annoys me every few minutes. After 15 years of marriage and 7 years of dating under our belt, that's a good thing.
6.) I'm getting s#*%$ done! All the extra energy and evening hours are helping me finish the many projects on my list of to-do's. Daily mail doesn't pile up, I am writing letters and emails and following up on household stuff. It gives me a tremendous sense of accomplishment.
7.) I believe in myself. Now I know I can survive the weekend and dinner out with a friend without succumbing. I can sit there smelling Chardonnay and not cave!
8.) It's not day 1. That's a good reason to love Day 20, or Day 18 and 19 for that matter.
9.) I'm not limited. My world has opened up a bit, seems to have more possibilities, more opportunities. Can't wait to see what all this will lead to!
10.) I feel like an athlete instead of a drinker who exercises.
So I ask, what is this crap!? That's when the little voice in my head whispers, "This is your crap! It's coming out of your pores, out of your eyes and out of that deep pit where you've been sticking things you don't want to deal with..." I feel like one of those people who wakes up in a bathtub missing a kidney. Where am I and what's this incision? I tried to write this post like a dozen times and each time I would list all the lovely things that I've realized over the past 20 days. But inside (that little voice again) I was really screaming "Bullshit! You know it's bullshit!"
So I made the decision to just be real. Not be a sunshiney version of sobriety and contentment, but instead try to see the glass as half full.
10 Reasons Why Day 20 Didn't Suck
1.) I no longer wake up wishing I was strong enough to change. Every day is one day behind me I wake up not feeling that way.
2.) I'm nicer. Just a little but every bit counts.
3.) The weight is coming off. A huge part of this journey to kick the daily vino habit is to trim down. I had been exercising for awhile and seeing results, but not results that matched how hard I was working. Now I finally have momentum and I'm seeing a huge change in how my clothes fit.
4.) I'm drinking more water. Now this is a bi-product of not sipping on wine for a couple of hours per evening but it's also to satisfy my oral fixation. I drink Seltzer, pineapple juice spritzers and tea too. Nothing tastes as good as wine though. For reals.
5.) I like my husband more. How sad is that to say...but I feel like he's not on my nerves every minute of the day. Now he only annoys me every few minutes. After 15 years of marriage and 7 years of dating under our belt, that's a good thing.
6.) I'm getting s#*%$ done! All the extra energy and evening hours are helping me finish the many projects on my list of to-do's. Daily mail doesn't pile up, I am writing letters and emails and following up on household stuff. It gives me a tremendous sense of accomplishment.
7.) I believe in myself. Now I know I can survive the weekend and dinner out with a friend without succumbing. I can sit there smelling Chardonnay and not cave!
8.) It's not day 1. That's a good reason to love Day 20, or Day 18 and 19 for that matter.
9.) I'm not limited. My world has opened up a bit, seems to have more possibilities, more opportunities. Can't wait to see what all this will lead to!
10.) I feel like an athlete instead of a drinker who exercises.
I miss wine so much! Like an old friend. But I'm also coming to terms with the bubbling up...of feelings that is! It's time for me to talk about the last two years, finally. Mini-goal for the week: Don't cry so much (or heck cry more!) and start thinking about writing down the last two years. With that I leave you with P!nk lyrics so suitable for Day 20: Welcome to my silly life.
I love how honest you are about all of this. No one can ever call bullshit! That's for sure. I'm so proud of you. I know that sounds motherly, but I get to say that considering I can completely relate to this post! And thank you for the list. It's perfect! Love you, love you, love you!
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